kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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