i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
