I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
