I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
