I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
