My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she told me i tasted like america
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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