'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
