you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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