He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
