Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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