if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
