Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?