I need to stop coming to work sober
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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