So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
