i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
