I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
