I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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