if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
