You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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