Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
