you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
