I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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