I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently the secret to your success is patron
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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