How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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