she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
