Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
