Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
