He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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