My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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