She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
