Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Never underestimate the power of titties
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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