my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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