o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Someone signed my nipple.
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