I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
