i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
