Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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