I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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