If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
