chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Let's get the cat blown out
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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