If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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