so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize