I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
