I think my fart just growled at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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