I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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