I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
