true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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