The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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