I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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