Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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