i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
