I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
