woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
