I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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