Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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