Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
