tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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