thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
