sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
